Self Harm in Teenagers: A Guide for Parents

Ben French
Jul 9
5 min read

Self harm is worrying for any parent and can feel frightening to talk about. Yet it’s one of the most common behaviours I encounter when teenagers are struggling with their mental health. In my experience, whe

n parents are more confident approaching the subject, risks can be reduced and supportive family conversations can begin.

What is self harm?

Every child is unique. When we spend time working through a young person’s difficulties, their reasons for self harm are always deeply personal. At the same time, self harm is a common response to personal distress.

Self harm means deliberately hurting oneself. This might include scratching skin, hair pulling, self burning or punching walls. For many it is a coping strategy. The physical pain and rush of adrenaline can interrupt thoughts and feelings, bringing relief or numbness. For others, it can do the opposite - creating a physical sensation when they feel emotionally numb or disconnected from the world.

Why do teenagers self harm?

When a teenager cannot stop their distress, they can feel overwhelmed and powerless. Self harm can turn intense emotions into a physical pain - something concrete and contained. It may also create a temporary sense of control, as they move from feeling powerless in the face of their emotions to being the one who determines the pain. Or they may feel nothing - numb - which can be scary, and the pain will bring them back for a moment

Is self harm the same as wanting to die?

Not always.

For some teenagers, self harm is a way of coping. They may clearly feel they do not want to die - they may use it because they want to cope and can’t find another way.

For others, they may have suicidal feelings. It can be linked to feelings of hopelessness and not wanting to be here. This is why gentle, supportive conversations with parents and professionals are important.

How can parents help?

Try to manage your own feelings.

Discovering that your child has self harmed can feel like a ‘gut punch’. Shock, anger, fear and guilt are common reactions. Sometimes parents become so upset that their feelings take centre stage. This is understandable, but can put the young person off talking about it, for fear of upsetting those they love.

It is important to be clear that you do not want them to hurt themselves whilst acknowledging the pain behind the behaviour. When parents can manage their own feelings they create space for their child to talk.

Listen rather than fix.

Parents naturally want to solve problems and take away pain. But with mental health there is not always a quick solution and trying to provide one can close down honest conversation.

Sometimes when we can’t offer an answer we try to minimise the problem - “It’s just hormones, this will pass”. This can also unintentionally shut down conversation and leave the young person feeling unheard.

Listening, not trying to fix or solve, can be very helpful - it will often be the first time your child has tried to put things into words.

Stay curious and don’t try to understand too quickly. It may sound strange but telling someone you understand can leave them feeling misunderstood and alone. Sitting with the anxiety of not knowing is difficult for parents, but supportive exploration can help teenagers work things out - and know they are loved and heard.

So gently explore where possible.

You might try:

“So what do you think you mean by stressed?”

“I wonder what it is about X that’s making you feel this way?”

“To help me understand, do you mean…?”

Don’t be scared of asking about suicide.

If you are concerned, it is important to ask clearly whether they are having thoughts about ending their life. Research shows that asking about suicide does not plant the idea - it can open the door for honesty.

It is essential to explore their answer to make sure you understand what they mean. Early on in my career someone told me they just wanted to be gone, they just wanted to vanish, they couldn’t be here any longer - that was it! Anxious, I assumed they meant dead and didn’t question them, it was only later I found out they were talking about leaving town!

If a young person says something like, “I wish I could disappear,” or “I’d rather be dead”, gently clarify:

“Do you mean you’d rather be anywhere but here right now? Or do you mean you’re thinking of dying?”

If they describe suicidal thoughts ask whether have intentions or plans. All these suggest increased risk and mean urgent advice is needed.

Make a simple safety plan.

Keep your child at the ‘centre’ of any actions and be as transparent as possible to strengthen trust. Depending on their age and the level of risk you may need to involve professionals to keep them safe.

One of the quickest ways to get help and advice is by calling NHS 111. The operator will be able to support you in assessing risk and refer or signpost you to help. Making an appointment with the GP is also important - they will be able to assess, support and make any necessary referrals. It may also be important to talk to school.

Emergency help means 999 or attending A&E.

Agreeing a simple plan to keep your child safer involves helping them let you or other adults know if they are having thoughts and feelings that are unmanageable. This might include:

A way for them to signal when they are struggling (if talking is not always possible some families agree on a simple text or emoji).

Identifying distractions that “change the record” in the moment - music, going for a walk or a drive together, watching a film, or using very cold water.

Reducing access to means of harm. Self harm is often impulsive so limiting access to sharp and dangerous objects will reduce risk during intense moments.

Getting professional help.

Self harm is often a response to deeper, complex emotional difficulties. Many young people will feel stuck but want things to change. Psychotherapy can provide a productive space to process these difficulties and understand why self harm has developed. From here, personalised, lasting solutions can be built.

Support may be available through school, your GP, NHS services. SPOA - the single point of Advice in Sussex will also be able to advise you and support referrals to the NHS/CAMHS when needed.

If you are looking for private therapy for a child, teenager or young adult in Eastbourne or the surrounding areas, I offer assessments and ongoing psychotherapy at Eastbourne Child Therapy.

Finally…

Every young person is different. The information in this article is intended as general guidance and should not replace individual professional advice.

Written by Ben French BSc, C-Psych, C-Obs, MA Psych.

Ben French is a Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist and Psychoanalyst working with children, teenagers and young adults aged 2 to 25. He has over 15 years’ experience supporting young people’s mental health, including senior roles in CAMHS and education.

https://www.eastbournechildtherapy.co.uk

Useful Contacts

NHS and Local Services

Your GP

Contact your own GP surgery to discuss any concerns about your child's or your own mental health.

East Sussex Single Point of Advice (SPoA)

Telephone: 01323 464222

Monday to Thursday: 8.30am to 5.00pmFriday: 8.30am to 4.30pm

Website:https://www.sussexcamhs.nhs.uk/our-services/service-finder/east-sussex-single-point-advice-spoa/

NHS 111 Mental HealthCall 111 and select the Mental Health option (or ask to speak to the Mental Health team).

Available 24 hours a day for urgent mental health concerns that are not life-threatening.

i-Rock East Sussex (14 to 25 years)